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A Beautiful Fucking Rainbow

Rainbow Brussels March Christine Smeyers C & The CityThe city is London. The place is a dark bar; jazz and loud whispers fill the room. The time is an ungodly hour in the middle of the night. The drink is a margarita. The man is tall, dark & handsome and the artist in him is intriguing. The ungodly hour turns into an even more ungodly morning, walking along the Thames with the sun rising above the sparkling water. The jazz music still buzzes through my head. I’m seeing beautifully colored rainbows scattered across the water. The city is London. And the man is mine.

Reality turns into confusion and confusion becomes reality when my phone wakes me with the sound of sadness; this dream has become a nightmare. I read. I cry. I have breakfast for three hours without something ever touching my lips or soothing my upset stomach. Not that I ever loved or even liked Brussels as a city – that hate-love-affair takes on great proportions with me – and I might’ve even condemned it a few times when walking on its streets with its too many staring eyes made me want to race back to my hometown. But it’s still my home. And I love my home. I spend the first half of the day wandering around the house lost like a little puppy dog, the other half in front of my desk wondering how the hell to write while Mozart blasts all of his Symphonies with great enthusiasm through my speakers, blissfully unaware of what would happen two centuries later; unaware of the pain. 

I think about how life is funny. It is, isn’t it? It has you thinking you absolutely need to do things you actually do not want to do – ever; it has you thinking that you need to stick to the pattern; that you need to save money; that you can’t be impulsive; that you have to be careful; you need to get a job; you need to buy a home; need to find a partner; stick to the plan. You live up to everyone’s expectations and then.

It’s gone. In one blast it’s gone.

And that is why it’s funny. We forget to live life, hell, I forget to live life so often I sometimes forget I am actually alive (earth to zombie in sweatpants?). Some days – most days – I just want to be stuck inside my cave that I call home and have Mozart as my only and best friend. Together we make music. He plays the notes and I sing. Truth be told, Mozart doesn’t always approve of me singing; something to do with him hitting the notes and I failing to do so. But it gets me through the day. When I dream of my personal rainbows, I dream of a life filled with travels and quiet beach houses and tall dark strangers in quiet beach houses and tall dark strangers in quiet beach houses who frustrate Mozart by singing together and hitting not one note.
I sit. In the white sand. I write. Novels wherein the most romantic stories would find their happy ending; where peace and only peace exists. I swim. In the ocean blue as the skies and calm as the wind. I write. The sun blissfully shining upon my hair. I burn. Because that’s how I roll and the sun hates me. But I would love every minute of it. And that is how I would feel alive; that is how everyone should feel about their life. I don’t want to walk around like a zombie anymore, and after wasting half the day and deciding I would give Mozart a break, I want to feel more like I am living a life that fills my almost-deceased heart – she’s dead but she’s getting warmer. Today got me thinking that I have a fire burning with ambitions and dreams and rainbows and that this little light of mine will shine. 

The cup of tea waits patiently on my nightstand, the covers of the bed unfold themselves to welcome me in a warm nest of soft safety, the light turns slowly dark as the dark day brings the night a dot of light and solidarity. Today was ungodly. But the nightmare slowly turns into a dream again. We are free. We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our hometowns to feel free.

The city is Brussels. She’s a beautiful fucking rainbow. And I’m going to let her shine.

 

 

#prayforbrussels #lightsforbelgium

  • Wonderfully written!

    • Christine

      Thank you so much for your compliment !

    • Christine

      Thank you so much for your nice compliment !

@christinesmeyers