WEARING: Zara shirt — Vintage shorts — Furla bag — I AM ear cuff — Zara shoes — Fitbit watch
Hate to burst your bubble, but, today I saw something disturbing. There are like, you know, only 10 weeks left in this year.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in and get back up in your chair.
Just like I practically fell out of bed this morning when checking my ever so busy schedule and realizing how utterly fast the past 42 weeks have fallen through my hands. As I sat in bed, contemplating 42 weeks of my still young lifetime, I was frightened by the thought that seemingly, not much has changed since January and that the goals I had set out for this year were still far from crossing any sort of finish line. A sudden tension arose in my body, numbing my still sleepy limbs. My mind spinning thoughts around the pressure of time, and not having moved forward as much as I thought I should have by this point.
And then I asked myself, “What is it exactly that I’m so afraid of?”.
I realized that, as I looked around me — figuratively speaking, because I don’t host about 500 people in my house on a regular basis — so many wonderful souls were doing so many wonderful things, and comparing myself to each and everyone of them was an exhausting game I no longer wanted to play. My fear manifested itself as a race against the clock. A race that consisted of a fixed set of rules, made up solely by myself, for myself. Actually, the better question here would be, “Who exactly was I racing against?”. With me being the only obvious contestant, I felt kind of ridiculous for making a competition out of the one thing that should never feel like a competition: my life. For it truly is gambling with your own peace of mind, for no other reason than trying to force things that will come naturally anyway if you only allow time to be your guide.
The truth is, and you’re about to fall off your chair again: We’re all a bloody mess trying to fix this string of strange moments we call life, some people are just better at pretending.
I spent the rest of the day with a cup of tea, contemplating further, not what I haven’t accomplished this year, but what valuable lessons my mind taught my heart. And so with that said, I wanted to share some of these lessons that quietly came to me so far this year. I hope they inspire you. I hope they perhaps cast a little relief over you, just like they cast a sense of pause in me while writing all of it down; peaceful, quiet, grateful.
We all experience it from time to time: a complete restlessness when your heart races for miles and miles while feeling completely numb. While fear can sometimes be a catalyst for grand accomplishment, it oftentimes is the complete opposite. As is the case with my mind and body. And where I had hoped to spend my summer basking in the Italian sunlight and Spanish moonlight, living my best life yet, I spent my entire summer basking in my own thoughts of fear in the confinement of my four bedroom walls.
The end of June saw me almost hospitalized, while my body crashed and my whole world came crashing down with it. Taking a ‘chill pill’ has therefore taken on a whole new meaning for me,
one I never thought I’d associate with myself. Being forever the warrior, one to never back down, one to always get up. And there I sat. On the wooden floor next to my bed. Numb. Completely numb. With tears like rain and thoughts like storms.
And while all of this sounds majorly severe, I’ve actually started to take my anxiety not that serious anymore since recovering from that two-month staycation in my bed. “Why the bloody hell is that”, you may ask your beautiful self, all confused. Because spending two months in the dark, in the sole company of my pillows and buckets of tea, made me realize that there’s more to life than worrying myself to death over every tiny thing my brain can come up with. I learned that I am not my fear, nor do I want these evil figments of my imagination let me dictate my life. The harsh truth is that I spent my childhood
learning how to fear and now I spend my adulthood learning how not to. And accepting that, and learning to let go is one of the biggest lessons I can teach myself, and now you. Don’t let it get to a point where your heart and spirit needs to break in order for you to realize your fear lives in a different reality. For nothing in this world is worth more than your peace of mind. Accept. Trust. Let go. Move on. Be patient with yourself.
There’s no shame in admitting that, for just a while, you need to lay down your weapons and give up your fight. For a while, you need to be with just you. Don’t focus so much on where you should be, instead, focus on where you are. Know that you are not alone in this.
For I might have lost my mind,
though I found my heart.
I was never one to be low on the selfconfidence, on the contrary, my confidence spreads out wider than all the oceans put together. For I am one big sea of awesomeness. (haha). You see, I’m a happy soul but it’s the world that confuses me, and mostly the people existing on it. For I can not for the life of me figure out human behavior and what a normal reaction to this behavior consists of. I’ve always had the tendency of focusing on others and their needs, and putting too much effort into relationships of all sorts, while completely ignoring my own wants and needs. I’ve spiraled through phases of placing individuals on pedestals but there is a lot of
peace in realizing we are all exactly the same. We all as humans operate not in black and white, but in varying, confusing shades of grey. I’m slowly learning to turn that focus away from others and their attention, and to turn that to my inner self. For I have a whole world inside of me that is more worth exploring than what others could mean to me and my life. I have a grand love inside of me that I am learning to only cherish for a select group of human beings who return my effort.
To be desired is nice but to be loved is beautiful.
I always tell people that you can not take care of others before you take care of yourself. That is why, more and more, I spend time on my own doing exactly what I love to do. Taking myself out on dates, drinking margarita’s and eating sushi, spending days at the spa getting pampered and reading the day away, going to art exhibitions and feeding my inner nerd, doing exactly what I love creatively in writing and photographing, traveling by myself and meeting incredible people along the way.
Time is the biggest luxury, and the biggest gift you can give yourself. Whatever is good for the soul, do that.
My only regret in life is that I didn’t tell enough people to fuck off. I took it upon myself to read ‘The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck’, and boy was it life changing. Did you know that you don’t have to do everything, just because you’re expected to do so? Mind. Blown. I know, right? I’ve started saying no more to events, commitments, issues and heck, even people (and then I’m talking about them fuckboys that keep spiraling back every month or so, emm no, just no. bye Felipe), that do not serve a purpose or make me happy. “Sounds like a not-me problem”, has become a regular in my daily vocabulary. And it feels damn good. Stop apologizing for
who you are and what you want, and definitely what you don’t want. It’s okay to be selfish.
I refuse to be one of those girls. Saying sorry for speaking her mind, the kind of soft spoken apologies because she might be too much, too soon, all at once. I am and will always remain soft in my doing, but hard in defending my doing. The only thing I’m trying to say here is: well-behaved women don’t make history.
So everyone, repeat after me, “Fuck no”. See, that wasn’t that hard, now was it.
Also. Last life tip: Never stop cursing.
Excuse me now as I go work hard on those life goals I set out in January. But you know, not too hard. Since life lessons and all.